Jumble of Feelings

I met Marthe Winward six or seven years ago, give or take. She was quiet, yet so very thoughtful, while I was loud and boisterous and the epitome of immature—and somehow, the stars aligned and she became my very best friend. A sister to me, really.

She left for the MTC today.

There is this odd jumble of feelings wriggling inside of me. I am so, so proud of her. After all these years of dreaming about this day, and it’s finally here. I am hopeful for her. I am excited for her. I’m worried for her and for her safety. I am mournful and I am heartbroken and I am simply very sad. I feel like dancing and punching a wall all at the same time. I am probably going to feel like this for a while, I imagine.

I, as well as my sister Bailey and friend Corynne, got up at around 3:50 this morning to catch her before her flight. She was pleasantly surprised (which was our goal), and we got to hug it out one last time before sending her off for eighteen months.

I have watched many beloved friends and family members leave for missions, and I am certainly used to the motions by now, but I’m not going to lie—this one hurts the most so far. And it’s only been three hours. I even heard a Linkin Park song on the way home from seminary and started to tear up a little because Marthe and I love listening to LP together.

I am going to miss our inside jokes. I am going to miss her wild curls. I am going to miss our secret language and how I always know just what to do to make her burst out laughing and how she remembers everything I’ve ever told her and the fact that she is a vegetarian and the fact that we share shoes and clothes and how she has loved and nurtured my little sisters like her own.

Hummina shummina. Is it a full moon tonight? Spare drawer with a toothbrush. If you don’t understand those words, then you are not Marthe or me. And you don’t understand. And that is okay. It’s just hard not having someone who knows what that means.

We have been so blessed, though. Really. We have used our time together rather wisely. We have done so much together and have made so many memories that sparkle and shine inside me, and I wouldn’t change a thing. This past week, actually, Marthe, Corynne, and I were able to do something we have wanted to do for years: we had a professional best friend photoshoot.

It was kind of a miracle actually. It was so last-second, and I wasn’t sure if we could find a photographer who could squeeze us in with such short notice—but sure enough, a lovely woman in our ward, Sister Winzenz, was more than happy to help us out. And when I say she helped us out, I mean she took our highest hopes and magnified them by a million. Not only did the pictures turn out great, but the shoot itself was insanely amazing. We laughed the entire time and I was behind the camera telling corny jokes to make Marthe show her “derpy smile.” (Her words, not mine.) I think her “derpy smile” is beautiful. It's wide and genuine and captures what she's really like.



I am so grateful that I have hundreds of pictures and memories to look back on when times get hard. Heavenly Father truly does know how to comfort us and I am convinced that He is holding my hand during this rough patch. It comforts me to know that my best friend has dedicated this time in her life to bringing people to the gospel, that she has such a clear view of what is important. She is so courageous. She is such a strong, amazing woman.

I am lucky that she is my best friend. Farewell and good luck, Sister Winward.