In-Between

It’s funny how, when I was five years old, I felt perfectly and solidly five. No longer four, no longer a nonsensical preschooler. And when I was eight, I felt perfectly and solidly eight. No longer seven, no longer unable to ride a bike without training wheels. I didn’t hold on to previous years, I didn’t feel as though no time had gone by—I simply looked forward and let the winds of time take me away.

But now, even though I am almost eighteen, months away from being a certifiable adult and living on my own, I can’t help but say that I still feel like a child for the most part. Who in their right mind would let me—a child—vote? Who would let me check out groceries at the store? Who would accept any taxes from me? How can I possibly be considered an adult?

You get so used to being addressed and treated as a non-adult that, when it’s finally time to become a full-on adult, you feel like it’s all one big joke. I told my mother recently that it feels like I’m playing dress-up, trying to deceive those around me into actually thinking I’m not as young as I feel. And I’m used to that façade, actually. I’m a seventeen year-old college sophomore, roaming the halls of Tarrant County College like some mature grown-up when in reality, I go home to my mother and father and we talk about chores and cleaning our rooms like with any other teenager.

But I’m definitely beginning to make the transition. My best friend of six years, Corynne, and I are actually moving into the same apartment together later this year. It’s so surreal. And it’s also relieving. I feel a million different things about leaving home, some being extreme eagerness and excitement, but I also feel scared about leaving everything I’ve ever known. Having her there will ebb the homesickness, I hope.

Growing up is hard. Oh, but it’s also so invigorating. I can’t believe my life is really beginning to take off now. I can’t believe it’s me that’s growing up and making my way through the world. I just want to hurry up and get on the first flight to Rexburg and start my new life already. But I also want to stay here in Texas and never, ever leave. I guess I’m just going to have to find a suitable in-between in the meantime and enjoy the part of my life I’m in right now. Really, that's what this life is all about, I think. Learning to look forward to the future without ignoring the present.