Graduation (& Tips for Nursing Students)

Life update: This is not a drill! I repeat, this is not a drill! I am graduating from nursing school at BYU-Idaho in T-minus 3 weeks!! I remember when it was a year and a half (the equivalent of a million years) away and the time just could not pass quickly enough. In some ways it was like trying to run a marathon through a slab of thick honey, like I was moving in slow motion despite my best efforts. However, there were some times where the honey melted away. There were some times I forgot I was in a marathon, and it was like I was out for a joy run. The time didn't feel so still in those moments.

I look back and I am kind of shocked that nursing school has come to an end. This journey, this part of my life I always looked forward to as the great and ominous Someday is now almost behind me. I kind of can't believe it. It's like getting to the top of Everest and finding yourself whispering, "now what?"

Although I'd be a fool if I thought nursing school was my Everest. It's only the beginning, and I know that.

The job hunt continues. I have chased a couple leads which took me nowhere (sad face), so I am just hoping to find some luck down the road. My plan is to move home to Texas and to work as a nurse there. I am a little anxious about leaving my Idaho life behind. So many people have asked me if I am sure about going back to Texas. Like I should reconsider it. Like it's not the smartest option. And I would be lying if I said I knew for sure without any doubts that moving to Texas was the right thing. I am paranoid about accidentally ruining my life with one wrong decision. I don't want to leave all my friends behind. I have connections here. 

So there's that. Graduating college is fun and all, but it's stressful! It comes along with important decisions that give me headaches and leaves me wishing someone else could tell me what to do. I am just ready to get the show on the road and go home to be with my family. 

Okay. Life update done. Here are some more tips for nursing students/future nurses now that I have almost completed schooling...

So ya wanna be a nurse?!

Tips for Nursing Students

1.) Something new I learned is that nurses do indeed "eat their young." This means that the nurse precepting/training you just might feel inconvenienced by your presence and may not treat you very well. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Many times it's their problem, but you are there to learn, so learn. Do what you can to help. Do the grunt work: take vitals, offer bed baths, empty and measure foley catheters and other drains, that kind of thing. This will more than likely get the nurse to warm up to you and appreciate your efforts.

2.) When studying for exams: it is mostly comprehension and critical thinking that you will be tested on. You will be asked about patient scenarios, like, 'You walk into a room and your patient has fallen. What do you chart?' Whereas before nursing school, you were asked questions like, 'Name the two bones in the forearm.' Don't get me wrong, there is still quite a bit of memorization. Especially in that first semester. However, critical thinking was a greater aspect than I expected.

3.) You can learn SO MUCH from your CNA's! Oh my goodness! There were times I learned more from a CNA in a shift than I did from the nurse. Take the time to get to know the CNA's/aides on a unit. Ask about their hacks, their tricks. They can hold goldmines of information.

4.) Oh, sweet little nursing students ... Be careful about which chair you choose to sit on. There are nurse computers and there are doctor computers. Even if a doctor is not in sight and you spot a free seat, do NOT sit at a doctor computer! Let's just say not every doctor is the nicest at asking you to move. (I got yelled at in 2nd semester by a mean old pharmacist and wanted to cry. Then again I'm kind of a wuss. But still.)

5.) I guarantee there will be someone (a nurse/preceptor, a clinical instructor, a teacher, a classmate) who will rub you the wrong way when you first meet. You will decide you don't like them. But I'm pleading with you, please. Give them a chance. Because every time I thought I knew someone's character, I was proven so very wrong. The people I'd deemed unlikable turned out to be the very best people of all. 

6.) So, I hate constructive criticism. I'm a writer. I write novels. I hate it when people read my work and then throw the harshest feedback my way. Well, you know what? No one's life is on the line, so I can be like that. But in nursing school, you get constructive criticism whether you want it or not. It's mandatory. And the best part??? It's nothing personal! And everyone - I repeat - everyone, has something to work on! No one is perfect. I think the teachers even go out of their way to make sure no one gets perfect marks in first semester. It's nice because it gives us things to work on. It helps us track our progress.

7.) Take nursing school seriously. I could have avoided a lot of stress during finals weeks had I been better prepared. READ THE CHAPTERS THROUGHOUT THE SEMESTER. GO TO THE SKILLS LAB AND PRACTICE! Slowly and steadily stay prepared.

8.) Buy the Red HESI book on Amazon.com. It's $50.00 worth of 100% worth-it-ness. 

9.) The Saunders NCLEX prep has been helpful so far.

10.) Go to your teachers' office hours! Make friends with them. Communicate with them your life situation. If you're in a crunch, GO TO THEM! They want to help you, not watch you sink!

11.) Rule #1 in nursing school (or in any school really, I mean come on): Do. Not. Cheat. Cheating can result in an automatic dismissal from your program, and it's simply not worth it. Besides, that feeling of acing a difficult exam is too sweet to give up for a stolen A+. 

12.) Make friends! Make friends! Make friends! Nursing programs are usually full of cliques, unfortunately, so hurry up and find your homies. They will get you through it all, I promise. Also, if you have any nurse friends, reach out to them! See if they can offer you any insight or assistance.

13.) Stay open-minded. When I first took the mental health course, I thought I would hate it. Sorry, wrong number, not my thing. I knew I was never going to be a psych nurse so what was the point? However, I ended up loving it! I loved the clinicals, I loved my patients. It was the most fun I'd had in nursing school up until that point. You might think you know what specialty you'll choose, but stay open-minded. I walked into nursing school with my heart set on pediatrics and came out with a newfound interest in women's health. Now, my motto is "never say never." 

14.) Nursing school is a really selfish time. I'm sorry, but it is. You will become a homebody (or a library-body, you choose). You won't have as much time for friends or family. You'll find yourself saying, "I'm sorry, I can't" more than you want. Your life inevitably becomes about school and forming your career. And IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO BE SELFISH DURING THIS TIME! Your priorities are in the right place.

15.) Don't be afraid to take risks. For instance, I was really afraid of skills like IV starts and inserting foley catheters. I had somehow never performed those skills on real-life humans (the alternative being mannequins in a lab) until 3rd semester. But in 3rd semester, I ended up starting several IV's and inserting a catheter, and those scary things suddenly became so doable! I had conquered my fear and it felt so good. 

16.) (BONUS) Nursing school really does come to an end, contrary to popular belief, so savor every second. You don't get to have "SN" behind your name for very long, so you might as well enjoy it, right?

Thanks for reading!

Mormonism 101

Hi, guys. I decided to do something a bit different for this particular blog post. I get a lot of questions about what Mormons can and can't do, about what Mormons do and don't believe - that kind of thing. So I'd just like to address some of them. I hope you guys enjoy! (***This post has been added to since it was posted.***)

MORMONISM 101

1.) What's up with that magic underwear?

Okay. Great question. Except "magic underwear" isn't the most respectful term to use, so I would strongly encourage using the official term: garments. LDS.org explains, "Once people are endowed, they have the blessing of wearing the temple garment throughout their lives. The garment provides a constant reminder of the covenants made in the temple." Basically, when a Mormon person is over the age of 18 and finds themselves spiritually ready, they can choose to make sacred promises to God in one of our many holy temples. They vow to live life to a higher standard and their garments are a reminder of that.

2.) What are those temples for anyways?
Which leads us to this question: why do Mormons need temples and why can't just anyone go inside? What's there to be so secretive about? A very valid point. I can see how it might come off as secretive to those outside our faith. Here's the thing: remember what I said about how, in the temple, we vow to live life to a higher standard? Well, that is the only way you can enter the temple. You have to live life up to what we Mormons believe to be the higher standard, you have to be "worthy" to enter. This includes abstaining from alcohol, tea, coffee, cigarettes, drugs, sex before marriage - that kind of thing. (I'll go over the Word of Wisdom next.) You have to A.) be a baptized member and B.) follow those aforementioned standards. This is really to mentally and spiritually prepare us for what goes on in the temple. Something we like to say is, what happens in the temple is not secret, but sacred. Therefore, we must treat it as such. We don't just go around talking about it like it's the weather.
As to what happens in the temples? I can respectfully say that we simply make promises to God and learn more about life: the before, the during, and the after. We perform ordinances in place of our ancestors and those who have passed on. We believe that life continues after this and that everyone has the opportunity to know God and the gospel, even if they have passed on.

3.) Whaaaaaat?! You don't drink coffee?! Or BOOZE?!!
Haha - nope. I always get a kick out of this one. It's funny because a lot of people feel genuinely sorry for me, which I never really understood. You can't miss what you never had, I guess? Anyways, why is it that Mormons follow this rule? What the heck? Because I read online that wine can actually extend your life! Yes, yes, I have heard this quite a few times.
Official answer from LDS.org: "The Word of Wisdom is a law of health revealed by the Lord for the physical and spiritual benefit of His children. On February 27, 1833, as recorded in section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord revealed which foods are good for us to eat and which substances are not good for the human body. He also promised health, protection, knowledge, and wisdom to those who obey the Word of Wisdom."
Official answer from the mind of Sarah K. Humble: all I know is, whether or not a substance is good or bad for me, I believe I was asked by God to say no to certain substances. That's all I need to know. (I mean, you've gotta admit it's kind of cool that Mormons were the first to know smoking can kill you, though!!) I don't drink coffee or alcohol or tea, I don't smoke or do drugs. That doesn't mean Mormons judge others who do so, however. This is a huge misconception that actually makes me kind of mad. We don't scowl at coffee-drinkers. We don't grimace when someone sips on a margarita. In fact, I used to make and sell coffee at my old job. I am quite the barista actually. I hold myself to my church's standards, and I in no way impose them on others.

4.) Who's that Joe Smith guy again?
Another great question. Joseph Smith Jr. was the man we call a prophet who started the LDS ("Mormon") church. He was just a fourteen-year-old farm boy in 1820 when he decided to pray about which church was the right one. Mormons believe that he was visited by God the Father and Jesus Christ, that he was specifically told that none of the churches were true, and that he should join none of them. Over several years, he was prepared spiritually to translate what we know as the Book of Mormon and disperse it to the world. The prophet Joseph Smith Jr. is a man we Mormons revere, however we do not worship him. We don't pray to him. We don't bow to his pictures or statues. Truth be told, a lot of what people say about him is true. He was a man who made mistakes and made choices I do not agree with. He was human, just like you and me. But we know that he restored the fullness of the gospel, and we are grateful for that.

5.) Speaking of that blue book, what's up with your Mormon Bible?
It is not a Mormon Bible! I repeat, not a Mormon Bible! On the cover, it reads, "The Book of Mormon: A Second Testament of Jesus Christ." To be a second testament implies that we had a first: the Holy Bible, which we believe in as far as it has been translated correctly. I studied the Old and New Testament for 2 years in a religious seminary class (at 6 AM, mind you). But moving on to that blue book, the Book of Mormon: we simply believe that core gospel doctrine has been lost from the Bible after being translated and edited so many times, and the B.O.M. supplements it. It is not an add-on. It is a separate book of its own nature that teaches many of the same principles, but also goes into further detail on others. It was only translated once, through what we believe to be the power of God.

6.) Okay, I've gotta ask - why don't Mormons get tattoos or piercings?
This is a great question. In the Mormon faith, we believe our bodies to be like our temples: sacred. We believe that only having one piercing per ear and refraining from tattoos shows our bodies the greatest respect. This is also why you see a lot of Mormons dressing modestly.

7.) Why do Mormons hate gay people?
This question actually makes me very sad. Our church preaches kindness and loving one another. From a young age, I sang the words, "As I loved you, love one another..." I know I certainly do not speak for everyone, but I was not raised to judge or to hate anyone, let alone gay people. Personally, I love the LGBTQ+ community and many of my dearest friends belong to it. I believe in agency, which is the ability to choose for yourself. I may choose to live a different life with different choices than you, but I also choose to love my friends regardless of our differences.

8.) Why do you guys get married in your temples?
Going back to what I've said, we make special promises in our temples. We believe that 'til death do us part' is inaccurate. Marriage, families, and happiness lasts forever, and forever begins in the temple. This is also why we perform ordinances for the deceased in our temples, to extend this same chance to others who never had the opportunity during their lives, so that others can be with their families forever. The concept of "forever families" is actually a huge central theme to Mormonism.

9.) Can Mormons dance? Swim? 
Hahahahahahahahahaha - yep.

10.) What is the Mormon dating process?
I'm glad this came up. So, typically, we prefer for our youth to refrain from going on dates until they reach 16. Even then, it's recommended that the 16 and 17-year-old Mormon youth stick to double-dating. It's at the age of 18 that a Mormon individual is eligible to marry in the temple and start seeking out those forever relationships. I mentioned it before, but we believe in total abstinence before marriage. (This is probably why you've noticed Mormons tend to A.) get married young and B.) have the world's shortest engagements. Just sayin'.) Kissing's fine, as long as it isn't too passionate. Hand-holding is fine. You know, all the sweet Disney-approved stuff.

11.) Why are the Mormon colleges in Utah?
You know, this is a great question. It actually goes back, way back, to when Mormon pioneers were persecuted and fled from state to state. Utah wasn't a part of the US at the time, so they were free to practice the religion there. Utah is a state founded by Mormons, thus, many Mormons live there, thus many Mormons go to school there. (But I go to a Mormon school in Idaho. There's also one in Hawaii.)

12.) Are Mormons Christian? 
I get this one a lot. The answer is, drum-roll please: yes! The official name of our church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We believe in Christ and we rejoice in Christ. He is the center of our religion. The Book of Mormon preaches about Him, prophecies about His birth, His life, and His return. We also don't believe in a "different Jesus," contrary to popular belief. We believe in the Jesus who walked on water and healed the sick, just like you other Christians.

13.) Do Mormons believe in the Holy Trinity?
No, Mormons do not. We believe in the Godhead, which is to say we believe that God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are one in purpose, but three separate individuals.


Okay. I'm done. Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Mormon


                            


 

Nursing School So Far (& Tips for Future Nursing Students)

I am just starting my third month of nursing school! It is everything/nothing I thought it would be. My first impression of it was that the teachers were way nicer than I'd anticipated. Ever seen "Legally Blonde?" Remember when Elle started law school? Yeah. I thought the professors would be like that. Strict. Cold. Instead, they're very understanding and willing to help, which I'm grateful for.

The schedule is a bit hectic, but definitely manageable. I kept expecting to barely have time to breathe, let alone hang out with friends, but my social life hasn't died. Yet. 

Finals are creeping up, however, which is stressful. Finals in nursing school come a few weeks before everyone else's, which is kind of awful. March has only just begun and already I have my finals in two weeks (!!!!). I am trying not to freak out. I have a head-to-toe assessment to pass off. I have what are called OSCEs (essentially skills pass-offs). I have two HESIs, which are national exams. I need to make a minimum of 850, or else...

I am such a quiet person in my nursing classes. I am so shy. I don't know what it is; it's like everyone was already friends before the program began, and no one is eager for a new friend. I think maybe it's also because everyone is so smart and put together and I sometimes feel less-than. (Even though I know I shouldn't feel that way! We all made it to nursing school, we all earned our places here in the program.) My goal is to try to be more outgoing.

But I really do love being a nursing student. It's so much fun. I really am living the dream. Being here, doing what I'm doing, it just feels right. This is what I've always wanted. I really like my clinical group and feel like I've made some great friends.

So, if you are thinking about going to nursing school, take a look at the list I've made for you.

What a future nursing student should know:

-If you are squeamish around blood, urine, feces, or any bodily fluid, nursing just isn't for you.

-If you still giggle when someone says "vagina" or "penis," you need to get over that, and quickly. There's no room for that in a clinical setting.
-Get ready to lose all awkwardness about the human body! You're going to see the human body in all of its many forms. You're going to assist people while they shower, use the bathroom, etc. 

-Nursing school is going to be hard. This won't be easy. Start mentally preparing now! 

-Getting in to any nursing program is going to take lots of hard work. It's going to be half the battle! You need to strive for only A's.

-Get ahead of the game and become an expert at dosage calculations (also known as "med math"). 

-Get hospital experience!!! This is crucial! Sign up to be a CNA, a paramedic, a volunteer - something. It goes such a long way.

-Get ahead of the game and get CPR certified. (BLS if you want to attend BYU-Idaho's nursing program.)

-When you take pharmacology and a test question asks what you can't take a medication with, just answer grapefruit juice!! It's always grapefruit juice.
-Be polite to your instructors. Come prepared if you want to stay on their good side!
-Be professional. Be punctual. Be ready!
-Your face will itch when your hands are gloved and covered in someone else's bodily fluids. It just happens.
-I always heard about it, but now I know it to be true: when you're on your feet in a hospital setting, your bladder just ... turns off. Even if you have to use the restroom, you completely forget about it if you don't have time to relieve yourself.
-You will learn to breathe through your mouth when in a patient's room, so foul smells won't even phase you eventually.
-Get a good amount of sleep and always eat something before lab or clinical.
-If you aren't good on your feet, maybe nursing isn't for you!
-Use your legs, not your back.
-It's okay to say no! You're going to have to decline requests to hang out every now and then, but it's okay! Eyes on the prize!
-Apply to multiple programs. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. You're likely going to get a couple of no's, like I did!
-Be ready to do a LOT of reading.
-The good news is nursing school is a lot of review. What you learned in A&P, microbiology, etc., it will all come into play.
-Be prepared to spend a great deal of money! Nursing school is NOT cheap. My textbooks for this one semester were $1300. And I didn't even buy all the books!
-Keep going! I know it seems like you've been taking your basics forever, like nursing school is so far away, but believe me, you're so close. Keep going.
-It's never too late to go back to school.
-You CAN do this. You've already come this far! Believe in yourself.


I also asked some of my fellow nursing students if they had any advice for future nursing students.
-"Use your time wisely. Go to open lab. Get used to naked old people." -Student Nurse Ben.
-"Plan out your weeks, be organized!" -Student Nurse Jake.
-"Don't procrastinate and stay a step ahead." -Student Nurse Hadley.
-"Take all the prerequisites so you only have to take the nursing classes." -Student Nurse Michael.
-"Change your major! Just kidding." -Student Nurse Ashley.


Nurses make the world go 'round. Keep chugging and one day you'll make a fantastic nurse!!

                                    

Unexpected Miracle

(LONG POST ALERT. You have been warned.)

The past month of my life has been filled with the lowest lows and the highest highs I've ever encountered. It's all left me in a state of emotional vertigo, and I keep waiting for something else to happen. Life, for whatever reason, is not staying still right now. Things keep changing. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes not.

Not a whole lot of people know this, but last month, I actually found out that I didn't get into the nursing program at BYU-Idaho. I had been planning to start the program in January of 2018. My mind was on things like buying those beautiful royal blue scrubs and a hot pink stethoscope and plain white tennis shoes and getting CPR certified and going to clinicals, so I didn't really stop and take time to consider that I might not get in. Members of the nursing department staff had told me I was one of the more competitive applicants and that my chances of getting in were exceptionally high. I also scored very high on my HESI (an entrance exam). I graduated high school at 16. I have 3 years of hospital volunteer experience under my belt. Of course I would get in.

But I didn't. 

And it didn't make any sense at all. Not to me, not to my loved ones. It left me in such a state of shock, confusion, and anger. I was so angry. How could this be happening to me? Of all people? I've wanted this forever. I'm not like other people who go back and forth between majors and don't really know what it is they want; I have always wanted to be a nurse. In elementary school, I would always gravitate towards the nurses on career day. I always wanted to play doctor as a kid, never anything else. A&P was the class I loved the most in college. Everything about me, down to the atoms and cells that make up my DNA, says I was born to be a nurse, to be like my heroes. Ask anyone who knows me.

I emailed every high-up person I could think of. I emailed the nursing department chair, the nursing receptionist, the Dean of Students, the Dean of Agriculture and Life Sciences, the nursing counselor - everyone. For the most part, they all told me the same thing: sorry you didn't get in, but there's nothing we can to do to help you. It was devastating. It felt like BYU-Idaho, this school I had fallen in love with and become so loyal towards, had broken up with me, like I was no longer wanted. Every time I went to class felt like a slap in the face. I didn't want to be in Rexburg any longer; it was just a reminder of what I was losing. I stopped wearing my BYU-I shirts. I stopped going to devo on campus. I stopped trying to make friends. What was the point?

Because BYU-Idaho wouldn't let me apply again, I had to come up with some sort of plan B, something I had not prepared myself for. I had, as no one ever should, placed all my apples in one basket. I did not want to go home. The idea of going home to Texas felt like going backwards in life. It felt like I would just be reverting. Everything about it felt so unbelievably wrong. I was angry because I thought God wanted me to attend BYU-I. I thought it was where I was supposed to be. I thought it was divinely appointed. I was happy to live so close to my sister Ali and to be close to my friends. I thought becoming a nurse was a worthy goal that God would help me achieve. 

I found out I was 6th on the waiting list for the program, but I was smart enough to know that didn't mean anything. I would only get in if six people decided to give up their spots. Why in the world would six perfectly-qualified people drop out of the program? One was possible. Maybe two. But not six. In one email to the Dean of Agriculture and Life Science, I was told that the program would double check to see if they could allow more applicants in the program. I was also told that it was "unlikely," and to plan otherwise. 

So I did. I finally accepted that I was going to move home. My mom bought a one-way ticket, and I gave a lot of my things away. My friends would go off to school without me after the holidays, and I would stay in Texas forever. I would probably go to TCC. I thought about returning to my "hat and apron" job at Cinemark, the one I first attained at age sixteen, but I just . . . I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I had said my final goodbyes to that place. My time there was over. If I had to move back home, I was going to change a few things. I was going to get a new job. I was going to get a cat. I was going to paint my bedroom and buy myself a big desk for my writing. I had even planned a European trip with my cousins! This is how set-in-stone my situation was! It was final, it was decided upon, and even an optimist such as myself had to let go of my BYU-Idaho dream and move on. 

It's usually when I let go that God says, "Oh, just kidding."

I was going through my inbox when I noticed an email with the subject: "Congratulations!" It was from Rod Sanders - the Rod Sanders. You know, the one who runs the nursing program, the one I've corresponded with multiple times only to be told it's never going to happen. And then he emailed to tell me, oh snap, it's happening. I couldn't really comprehend it at first. I had endured a solid month of sadness and moping and not wanting to tell anybody because I was so ashamed. I had to rewrite my life plans. And I did. And I was okay with it all finally. 

It turns out that the dean really had done what he had said he would: he had double-checked to see if they could expand the program (because I had asked him to), and they could. By fourteen spots. So, myself along with thirteen others are able to start the nursing program in January after all. Whaaaaaat? Is this real? What? I literally asked my friend to pinch me. I couldn't be sure of my own consciousness. This, this, this, this just couldn't be happening. I was smart enough to never let myself hope for it. It would just hurt me if I hoped. But it's definitely happening? I'm not imagining it? 

It took me a few days before I even posted about it on social media. I wanted to make sure it was real and not some mistake. I was, and still am, paranoid that they're going to take it all back. Even posting this blog feels like a gamble . . . Knock on wood. Salt over the shoulder. Four-leaf clovers. Maybe then it can still be real.

I took the picture below after finding out I didn't get in, and then crying for a solid hour. I took it so I could always remember that incredibly low point. I wanted to look back at this picture when life was sunnier and a million times better. I just didn't know that day would come so soon.

This whole time I thought God had forsaken me. But He hadn't. He was always there. Even if I hadn't gotten back into the program, He still would have been there. The moral isn't God is only there for you when things go well in your life. It's just . . . I was so angry with Him. I was angry and I didn't want to hear any frilly quotes or advice. But I have been so humbled. Even though I was angry and ugly and hateful towards God . . . He still showed me love. He showed me mercy. He gave me what I so desperately wanted. He heard my prayers and He knows my desires. He cares about what I care about. And I know that now. I know that God is always on our side, regardless of whether or not things work out. 

             

Quick Thought

~~~Moroni: 10: 4: "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost."

The other day, I was taking a highly-anticipated, extremely nerve-wracking pathophysiology exam. I haven't been that scared to take a test in a really long time. I said a prayer before and many times during the test. I just felt so overwhelmed, and there were times I fretted I would forget what I had studied. 

I carefully read over every single question and asked in my head, What do you think, Heavenly Father? It was a genuine question I asked. My mind and heart were both open to any answer, whatever it was. I was willing and accepting. And then, it hit me. 

I should be asking that question every day, about the bigger, more important things in life. Forget the test. I am such a stubborn person. Often times, when trying to make a decision, I rely on logic instead of God's counsel. I need to start asking His opinion more, but not just that - I need to start relying on His opinion more. In truth, it's not even an opinion. The word 'opinion' suggests it could be right or wrong, but God's opinion is purely, 100%, eternally correct. 

And you know what? I trust Him. 

The 'F' Word & What Not to Say

Let's talk about something that makes people extra uncomfortable, shall we? The 'F' word. Yes, I said it. The 'F' word. Fat.

I think, for a lot of people, being fat is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. I mean, in today's society, fat means unattractive. It means lazy. It means ignorant. Who wants to be something that symbolizes all of that?

No one.

I used to hate being this way. Fat, I mean. (And in a lot of ways, I still do of course. It's not exactly fun.) I thought I was unattractive and lazy and ignorant because of that number on the scale. I didn't look like my itty-bitty friends. I didn't look as good in the outfits the models in the pictures wore. Aren't teenage girls supposed to blossom? Aren't we supposed to look like our beautiful mothers did when they were our age?

It took a long time before I started to feel comfortable in my own skin, before I started to feel remotely beautiful. I like who I am now. I like my eyes. I like my beefy calves. I like my hair. I like my high cheekbones (thanks, Grandma). I am at a place where I feel comfortable enough to post about this, something I wouldn't have dreamed of a year ago. This is an unbelievably sensitive topic for me, but I would like to piece together a list of what not to say to a fat person.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A FAT PERSON

• "You're not fat!" *Insert eye roll here.* Good grief, I understand your need to be kind or to avoid whatever awkwardness the 'F' word brings you, but come on. Of course I am! I mean, you can sugarcoat it with whatever phrase you want--chubby, curvy, plus-size--but it still means the same thing. And it's a fact, not something I take offense at. It is what it is. You're the only one who's awkward about it.
• "Well, why don't you just buck up, hit the gym, and lose the weight?" Never, ever ask someone this. Ever. It's Basic Humanity 101. You never know what someone is going through. You wouldn't go up to someone with a cast on their arm and chastise them about not drinking enough milk to strengthen their bones, would you? Of course not! Some of us, like myself, actually have syndromes that make losing weight a million times harder than the average person. Beyond that, though, what a lot of people who are naturally skinny don't realize is, being fat is every bit as much of an emotional battle as it is a physical one. Some of us have had a lot of emotional trauma and pain that only food can ease. Food really is like a friend, as odd as that may sound. For some people, it's cigarettes. For others, it's alcohol. But for us, it's food. 
• "You would be so pretty if you lost weight!" Excuse me? Am I not pretty now? How terrible is it that, in order to be considered truly pretty, you have to have a thin body? When did that become a thing?
• "You're so brave to wear that outfit." Oh, you mean this sleeveless turtle neck I got from Cato's? Oh. I didn't think twice about wearing it actually. I just threw it on. But you definitely thought twice about it. Fat people can't show their arms? What? Another time, I was regarded as brave for not wearing a shirt over my swimsuit. What in the world?!
• "Boys won't date you if you're fat." There is a sliver of truth to this, I will admit. I don't get nearly as much attention as my itty-bitty friends do, which can be discouraging at times, but that doesn't mean no one would ever date me! Good grief. I've dated people as a fat person, thank you very much.
• "I just really hate fat people." Grr, this one really gets under my skin. Once I was at work, and one of my coworkers (who happens to be a body-builder) decided to go on an anti-fat people tangent. It was just him and me. He was saying this. To me. He was going on and on about how disgusting and lazy they (we) are. Can I just say how much I hate blanket statements?! It is literally impossible to judge an entire group based off a small portion of them. You don't hear me saying how much I hate skinny people because of how effortless it is for them to maintain the weight I would kill for. Some people work hard to be that weight, and like I said, you never know what people are going through.
• "Have you heard of this new diet? I heard it works wonders!" I understand you mean well, which is why I wouldn't be rude to you, but can I just say: ughhhhhh. I'm pretty sure you're not an MD, but even if you just so happen to be one--I didn't ask you! You don't see me walking up to my underweight friends and coercing them to start a high-protein diet, do you?
• "You aren't healthy if you're fat." This is so, so not true. I mean, I'm not speaking for the people who honestly do sit on a couch all day and pig out on McDonald's. I'm speaking for the majority of us who try diet after diet, who do work out and live a relatively active lifestyle, who try so hard to be skinny like you. My best friend is a bigger girl just like me, and she can do the splits. Can you? She is also vegetarian. Are you?
• "Ugh, I feel so fat." If you're wonderfully slim and you say this to me, I just might hurt you. Love. Your. Body. Be grateful for the body I would kill for! 
• "Forget JC Penney. You should check out Lane Bryant!" Lane Bryant is an awesome plus-size store, but that doesn't mean I should only shop at places of the like! Good grief. I'm not waddling around at 400 lbs., you know. I can still shop at regular places.

Okay, I've said what I needed to say. Remember, fat people are people, too, and you never know what somebody is going through. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Skinny, fat, or somewhere in between. Show kindness before you judge.

Distance

Distance.

A year ago, I didn’t want anything more than I wanted distance. Distance from childhood, distance from familiar things. I thought distance meant freedom and independence. I thought it meant a beginning, not an end. And of course, I was right. All of those things are true in a sense. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. After moving away from home and being on my own for these past few months, I finally know what distance tastes like. And while I definitely enjoy it, I miss life without the distance.

Thanksgiving was last week, as you all know. Normally on Thanksgiving Day, I would be in the kitchen with Mom for a good portion of the day helping her prepare the dishes, or bustling around the house trying to get everything clean. Normally Dad would be cooking the turkey, boasting on and on about how it will be the best turkey we’ve ever had. Normally boatloads of family are in town, aunts and uncles and cousins and my grandmother to name a few. Normally everyone is together and all is well.

Distance has a way of rewriting what “normally” means. Things change. Plans differ. New faces emerge. Old faces disappear.

This Thanksgiving I was able to be with my aunt’s family in Vegas. I don’t know if we’ve ever spent Thanksgiving together, but if we have, I don’t remember it. But this time around was wonderful. The break from school was much needed, and my aunt’s family gave me a dose of family time that I desperately craved. There’s just something about being with your own flesh and blood that breathes new life into you. I had no idea when moving away from my family how precious spending time with relatives can be.

That being said, over the holiday, I had a lot of time to reflect on the true meaning of Thanksgiving and all the beautiful things in my life. I am so grateful for my parents. I miss them so, so much.

I miss Mom’s pancakes. I miss Mom’s hugs before driving myself to work. I miss getting hooked to TV shows and watching four in a row with her.

I miss Dad’s omelets. I miss Dad’s crazy sounds. I miss how chatty he can be. Really, he can stretch a two-minute conversation into an hour-long conversation. Ask anyone.

I miss my sisters, especially my babies Bailey and Bethany. I miss sharing a room with Bailey like we did in those last few months. I miss scolding her and bossing her around. I miss jamming out to music in my car. I miss my Betty-o. I miss our late night talks. I miss waking her up early in the morning and talking for long periods of time. I miss spontaneously surprising her with a trip to Sonic for breakfast.

I miss my big sisters, Ali and Katie, as well. I miss Ali’s stories and advice. I miss Katie’s silly inside jokes.

Distance is overrated. Growing up is overrated. Family is all that matters in this life, and I have since come to find that family is always the goal. I am constantly looking forward to seeing them again. Everything I do, even now while trying to get my nursing degree at BYUI, is in hopes of returning to my family when I am done. Family is always the goal.

Upon returning to Rexburg after my vacation with my aunt and her family, I couldn’t help but remember the song “Temporary Home” by Carrie Underwood. That’s all this place is for me. It’s an adventure being here, with all the friends I’ve made and the things I’ve been able to do. But it isn’t home. Home is where the heart is, and the heart is with family. And family is always the goal. 

Adventure of a Lifetime

Adventures—every day holds a new one. I am constantly discovering more about myself, like a new person is coming to life. Who even was that person I used to be? And even more importantly, who am I becoming? There is so much mystery in this time of my life, I have realized. But the good kind, like wondering what presents are under the Christmas tree or if the wishes you used on your birthday candles will come true.

There was an impressive amount of anxiety building inside me leading up to the big move. I was so nervous that even thinking about it would give me the jitters. My family probably thinks I was quite stoic and void of emotions leading up to the end, as I have mastered the art of hiding my emotions.

But of course, the moment I said the final goodbye and watched my parents and aunt drive away, leaving me here, in Idaho so far away from home . . . I finally broke down. Every tear I had suppressed, every cry I had held back . . . it all came out. I remember I felt so alone. So. Alone. Those words swam in my head over and over. So alone so alone so alone so alone so alone so alone. I thought to myself, what am I doing here? Is this where I’m supposed to be? Is this place worth leaving my home?

I bawled my eyes out for a long time after that. The grief felt like someone had died. And in a way, someone did. The child inside me that needed to be looked after, the child who needed a hand to hold—she was gone.

But then, just as suddenly as the grief swept over me and took me with it, it was gone. I had used it all up. And so I wiped off my smeared make-up and moved on. In an instant, I was someone new. I was ready.

These past few weeks have been wonderful, and they have also been very humbling. I am enjoying the excitement of living in a foreign place and adjusting to the new time zone and weather patterns that come with it. This might sound funny, but I’m convinced that the sky is different in Texas. Elaborate pinks and oranges and reds bleed together at both sunrise and sunset back home, whereas here the sky is rather simple, with standard shades of blue and wispy little clouds all the time.

I also miss the trees. I miss the heat. I miss my beautiful sun that always seemed so close. Just to be clear: everything I see here is seen through the eyes of a homesick Texan. And a proud one, at that. And trust me, I have made sure that my roommates are all informed on Whataburger, Blue Bell, how Fort Worth is most certainly better than Dallas, and the like. I think I even have them a little homesick for Texas.

I miss my family. I miss family outings and I miss living in my house with everyone I love within a five minute radius. 

But the air is fresh here. There are tiny mountains that swell in the distance. The grass is so green that it’s almost obnoxious (almost). Everywhere I go, I see familiar friends from the past. I see my little sister Bailey in the girl who walks past me, wearing that same purple and white shirt my sister loved so much. I see my coworkers in the faces of random passersby. I catch familiar smells on the way to places, the kind that you can’t pinpoint but for some reason it reminds you of home.

Rexburg feels more and more like home every day. One thing that coming here has taught me is this: it doesn’t matter where you are or how far from home you are, as long as you remember that the Savior is your home. Wherever you go. Everywhere. I see His House, the temple, every single day. This is an incredible privilege. To all the people who have said, “Idaho? Why Idaho?” It has nothing to do with Idaho. I despise the cold and, quite frankly, I wish I was in a tropical place right about now (*cough cough* BYU-Hawaii, when are you going to start up a nursing program so I can transfer?!). I chose to come here so I can become a nurse surrounded by like-minded people who love the Lord.

And He is with me. He is here. He knows what lies ahead of me, and even though I don’t, that’s okay. I trust Him. After all, this is the adventure of a lifetime.

Q&A with a Cancer Patient

Let's be real for a moment. 

It is almost the end of September, which is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. This blog post has been on my mind for several months. What to say? What could I possibly say to bring about awareness in such a way that draws more compassion than uncomfortability? What could I possibly say that will have a real effect? 

But maybe it isn't my words that need to be heard today. 

The person you are going to hear from is Hailey Buis, a dear friend of mine. There are so many things that make Hailey, Hailey. Her favorite color is mint green. Her favorite musician is Lindsey Sterling. She can usually always be found smiling or laughing at something (even if she doesn't have a reason to!!!). Also, she has cancer. 

[Before you continue reading, I would like you to take just a glance at this pie chart to get a better idea of what we're going to be talking about. (Particularly the tiniest green sliver on the right side.)]

Q&A with a Cancer Patient 

Tell me about your cancer experience.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia in December of 2014. Luckily I don’t have to go through chemotherapy, but I do have to take pills that have chemo-like [effects]. Some of the symptoms I’ve had from taking this pill are [as follows]: a rash that covers my whole body, some hair loss, higher risk of getting sick, etc. It’s hard. This is a trial for me.

But sometimes, I feel like I don’t have cancer because I’m not in the hospital 24/7 like most cancer patients. I’m lucky.

How were you diagnosed?

How we found out I had leukemia . . . was because of my vision. I wear glasses [normally], but I wasn’t able to read anything even with them on. I was really confused and I texted my mom after one of my classes at school and told her what was happening. She told me that she would make an eye doctor appointment that same week.

When I went to the eye doctor, they took pictures of the inside of my eyes. They told me that there was blood and fluid pooling behind my eyes, which caused the blurry vision. The next thing they told me really freaked me out: ‘you need to be taken to the ER immediately.’

What was going through your mind? Was cancer ever on your radar?

I thought I was going to need something like eye surgery. I never thought that I would be diagnosed with cancer. That word was never in my mind.

But when I was in the emergency room, they immediately took me to a room and started an IV in my left hand. They then did an MRI and a CT scan and I remember my doctor coming into the room . . . Sitting on my bed . . . Telling me there was good news and bad news. The good news: I didn’t have any tumors. The bad news: my white blood count was extremely high. I learned that a normal teenager has about 4,000-10,000 WBC’s (white blood cells), but my levels were at 610,000. My doctor explained that 2 chromosomes decided to get together when they weren’t supposed to, which caused my WBC count to increase, which means I have leukemia.

Since your diagnosis, has your perspective on life changed at all?

Yes. A lot. I’m more aware now of how life can be flipped upside down. But I try to look at the positive more than the negative, and I’ve realized the importance of simply being alive. I have leukemia for a reason, and maybe it’s to raise awareness for childhood cancer.

I’ve met so many people that understand what I’m going through, especially at Camp. The friends that I have made there have been able to share their experiences with me, and because of that I have been able to develop empathy for them.

///// This is when I showed Hailey the pie chart and informed her that childhood cancer research receives 4% of all funding. /////

I’m shocked that childhood cancer only gets 4%.

Were you aware of that?

No. I had no idea. This is so wrong.

What do you think? Especially because to you, this isn’t just some number. This affects YOUR life personally.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t donate to [adult cancers], but people should try to be considerate of all the other cancers that deserve the same awareness and attention. I am still trying to get over the shock.

How do you feel in the respect that this affects you personally?

It made me go, “WHAT?” Like, I just didn’t expect to . . . There are no words to describe how shocked I am. I can’t believe how clueless I’ve been. It would be awesome if there was a cure, not just for me, but for all those other kids that are going through the same journey.

Did you know that 1 in 5 kids with cancer won’t survive?

No, I didn’t know that. One of my friends that I met in the hospital went through chemotherapy and passed away. I believe it’s because of the lack of development in treatment. Again with the stats I saw on [adult cancers], they are getting all these donations but I feel like childhood cancers should get just as much as they do. That way less children will die. It’s not that I’m against people donating to adult cancers, I just believe I should be receiving more than 4%. As well as the other kids.

Okay, great. I have a few more questions, we’re almost done. Tell me what your dream is as far as Childhood Cancer Research goes.

I would like there to be more awareness and more cures for all the kids who have to go through this kind of trial. Because, trust me, it’s not easy.

Do you think that there could be a cure one day?

If we get more funding, and people start realizing that this is important just like any other cancer, then yes. There could be. 

_______________________________________________________________

Thank you for reading. It is my hope that this post simply didn't fill your head with terrifying numbers, but maybe moved you to want to make a change. 4% is not enough. 

To directly donate to Hailey's specific Leukemia & Lymphoma Society:

https://donate.lls.org/lls/donate

Other organizations for all childhood cancers:

http://www.acco.org/donate/

https://shop.stjude.org/GiftCatalog/donation.do?gclid=CjwKEAjwgo6_BRC32q6_5s2R-R8SJAB7hTG-TQ828IrjqBJ5NIp_-Moyp3X9x5zQLXbxqNstPa6bzhoCgPLw_wcB&cID=14262&pID=24671&sc_cid=kwp12886&s_kwcid=AL!4519!3!92051055082!b!!g!!childhood%20cancer%20facts&ef_id=V@QTGAAAAZNZJthx:20160922172447:s

EDIT: this blog post has been viewed by so many people! Thank you to everyone who has shared. Please keep up the good work and keep sharing! Also, please donate! Even if you only donated $5, it would still make a difference. If everyone who read this blog so far donated $5, we would have over $2,000 raised for childhood cancer research! That is a lot! Please, KEEP SHARING. It could save lives. 

Reflection

A lot of doors in my life are closing, I've realized. There is so much to bid adieu, so much to turn my back on and walk away from. (Blah, blah, blah. I’m a tad nostalgic, if you haven’t already noticed. Bit repetitive, too. Sorry.)  My childhood is technically over now, which is weird. My friends are either going on missions or leaving for college. I am a certifiable adult. I could get married. I could get my endowments out at the temple (a special rite of passage in my religion). I am about to live on my own. I could just do so much more.

I am no longer a student at Tarrant County College, which was essentially the closest thing I'll ever have to a real high school as I studied there from 16-18 years old. Saying goodbye to TCC was as bitter as it was sweet. I'm going to miss the many conversations I've had with fellow classmates over warmed Subway sandwiches. I'm going to miss those familiar hallways I've come to memorize like the back of my hand. I'm even going to miss some of my professors, the ones who were fair and befriended us.

My sister Bailey, freshly sixteen, has now been accepted into TCC and it's like the clock is turning back. I'm helping her get situated and prepare to start the journey I only just ended, which boggles my mind. I still remember when I started at TCC and first registered for all of my classes, wide-eyed and naïve. It was going to last forever. I was never going to turn 18 and move on to brighter horizons. I was to be forever sixteen, forever at home studying at the community college. Time seemed to still.

It’s funny now. I thought time had been stilled. But I was so caught up in thinking that time would freeze, that it actually sped in little circles around me and now I’ve gone so far into the future I think I’m a bit jet-lagged. What happened? Is this what the rest of my life will feel like? Will time just slip away and I will be left wondering where it all went?

Strangely enough, I think that’s exactly how it will feel.

This Saturday—May 28^th, 2016—would have been the day I graduated from high school. Had I not been homeschooled past middle school and graduated early, this Saturday would have been a very busy, very exciting day for me. I imagine busloads of family would come pouring in. I imagine my parents would be bustling around trying to get the house clean for the throngs of houseguests. I imagine I would be frantically picking out a cute outfit to wear beneath my robes. Oh—robes. A graduation cap. A graduation tassel. I would walk across the stage and hear everyone I love shout for me . . . and, as babyish as it sounds, I am still to this day a little bothered that I’ll never have that.

 

Truth be told I am a college sophomore. I am comfortable in a college setting and I appreciate the elevated maturity that is found in that kind of atmosphere. I feel quite removed from high school and all that comes with it . . . yet part of me misses the Sarah that never was. The Sarah who does things normally, like graduate from high school at 18, like everyone else. It's always been cool to say that I graduated at sixteen, but I've always felt a little separated from my friends because of it. I don't want people looking at me like I'm different, or somehow other. When I meet someone around my age, I try as hard as I can to not mention where I go to school in fear that I might sound pious or better than them. And then when I met someone at the college older than me, I tried not to mention my age to them in fear that they would look down on me, as if I were a baby.

 

It's happened so many times I've lost count. I was once humiliated in front of an entire lecture hall. My professor had known my age and mentioned it in front of the class like some sort of joke, and so many people laughed and scoffed as if it changed everything about me. Another time, a girl who had known and liked me all semester long, found out about my age and from then on talked down to me like she was my babysitter. (There haven't always been negative reactions, however. Many people are very understanding.)

 

There is a certain relief I feel, now that I am eighteen. When I go to BYU-I in the fall, I will be surrounded with people my age and we will finally be on the same playing field. I feel like, now that Other Sarah from the parallel universe is graduating high school, I kind of am too. I am relieved to be conventional now. That probably doesn't sound exciting, as society is always pressuring us to be original and think out of the box . . . but I suppose I'm weird because I just want to be normal. But what is normal, anyways? Normal is whatever you want it to be.

 

Your normal may have been graduating like everyone else, with a stage and people and camera lights, whereas I simply printed out a diploma and called it a day. Which is okay. Because I finally did have a graduation after all (sort of) just this past Sunday. Our lovely young women leaders set up a beautiful surprise party for the graduating laurels. There were no robes or tassels, but all the love and recognition was definitely there. And you know what? That was enough. More than enough, actually. I reflected on my time as a young woman in the youth program and just how much I'm going to miss everyone, and I got a glimpse into how loved I am and that I will be missed. And I think that's kind of the whole point of a so-called graduation.

 

Normal is what you make it.

 

photo cred: Tara Torres